You know, looking back on our recent history and the television , say, our grandparents and even our parents grew up on, it’s safe to say that at one point in time certain futurists at least thought that our nearby future would look a little bit different than it does now.
You can probably pull up a survey for the amount of old people that thought we’d be living in a Star Trek Future come the year 1999. Instead we got the Matrix and flip phones and stoic white people, doing stoic white things, shooting their desert eagles stoically and saying “whoa” every so often. Not the big, bright, banal future everybody was hoping for. But, like Batman, it was the future we deserved not the one we – whatever.
At least they didn’t want a Zombie Apocalypse to break out and tear us a new one like this generation does. Then again. You can’t really blame them, can you? Who doesn’t want to return to nature? Even if that meant watching your local school finally turning on each other. Your kid running home to tell you his science teacher tried to eat his friend. Hopefully they were of age. You never know with these small towns, really.
Given a cer(n)tain Max Laughlin’s accretions that a particular government institution has SCREWED WITH THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM, I thought it wise to list 10 things that a neighboring universe might have that we do not. ( Just check the video if you feel lost on any of this. No. The punchline is that you might know even less after watching the video. High grade stuff. But if you get the Multiverse. You’ll get this as well.)
This is obvious. One of my earliest memories is watching The Jetsons zooming about their sky-high neighborhood. What’s the problem here? I don’t need another IPhone, brah, gimme some of that Bruce Willis nonsense. I don’t see why Earth Thirty Two gets to have flying cars and we don’t? What is this nonsense? Couldn’t they have drawn the line at peanut butter and jelly hamburgers on toast? Couldn’t they have drawn the line at Nina Hartley being a serious actress? Apparently not. Not even at their flying cars. Show-offs.
9. Time Machines!
Yeah, yeah. I hear you. Time travel is possible in this universe. WITCHCRAFT! Am I right? Or is that just me? Okay, so, I partook in something that put my eternal soul in jeopardy…so, I thought I’d get brownie points for dating a witch with my hippie friends…plus…SHE WAS A WITCH! THAT’S HAF! It’s not exactly Back to the Future but I don’t see Marty telling his friends about the time he was forced to watch his blonde bombshell’s copy of The Craft (on: THIS IS DVD) ONE HUNDRED FREAKIN’ TIMES! Excuse me…but I don’t see that light bulb getting me a date with Cleopatra or her less attractive stand-in either. So.
Earth Twenty has Time Travel. How does it work? That’s irrelative really. But they’ve had Time Travel since the 60’s. Went back to Antediluvian Times, got that spaceship that built the pyramids and took it for a joyride. Found out the earth was flat but then Apollo decided to turn that Pizza into a bun so they went back and told Apollo he was crazy so Apollo put that butterball down. So, Earth Twenty B has a flat Earth now and Twenty A doesn’t. It’s a slippery slope. One moment your momma is your daddy and the next she’s your sister. Is that a good price to pay for a flat Earth? Living with the knowledge that at one point in time you were suckling on your father’s tête? Maybe both? There’s no milk in there, brah. So what the hell were you doing sucking on your father’s boob? Rather stick with The Craft. At least you get to hear her yell about staying true to the source material after every watch. Oh. How I adored finally having a chance at my very own Samantha Stevens, and oh, how I adored having my dreams shattered when I found out that she really didn’t care for what I liked on my sandwiches. Alas. She tried to curse me but I stole one of her cats and threatened to teach it how to flush the toilet. Years of psychedelic drug abuse had left her paranoid and idea of one of her loved ones trolling her with hygienic practices was just too much for her to bear. So she let me be. Even bought me some new briefs after she cut my set up for voodoo or something or the other. And it was some feat as well. It’s quite rare getting those Queen Victoria panties on sale these days. Form fitting and unapologetic at the same time. So nice of her. Always thought witches were like, you know? Mean?
Earth Twenty gets to have Time Travel. We get to inhale second hand smoke and watch re-runs of stupid sitcoms from the mid 2000’s.
Deal with it.
8. Space Exploration
To boldly go – as they used to say. Now it’s to go – but mostly under protest. Can you even imagine!? Getting into a ship, flying out to the neutral zone, firing a photon torpedo as a joke, telling the Klingons to suck it and then flying in with Def Leppard blasting in the background. Seriously though. It’s probably not a good idea. Not with our colonial history. Prime Directive? That’s not gonna happen. We’re gonna swoop in, find space oil and proceed to irrigate the new world! YAY! ROCK ‘N ROLL! Def Leppard’ll be playing in the background and God will be watching overhead – so who cares, amirite? All is right in the world. Again, I ask. Who cares?
Obviously not me. Earth Sixteen got that Star Trek Future. We got Star Wars Episode 7. It’s a good tradeoff, right? RIGHT!?
7. Green Babes!
Seriously though. Green Babes. If you have space exploration you have green babes! It’s a given.
As far as I’m concerned space exploration is the only way to achieve the Green Babe Tier. I don’t care what Alex Jones has said about pig/fish/human hybrids, okay.
One can only disappoint one’s parents so much. There is a limit to the amount of disappointment to be had and I’ve been teetering on the edge of it for some time now.
6. Green Babies!
This is something that you’ll need to discuss with your temporary alien lay. Or T.A.L. as it is referred to in Planned Parenthood Clinics all over Earth Ninety. As we all know when practicing safe sex with a green babe you’ll need to stock up on hella condoms. And I’m not talking one here. It’s apparently coarse down there – skin off – so I’m going to disregard my GP’s recommendation and I’m gonna layer that shit up. I don’t care. Call the fashion police on my ass. I’m going mid to late 90’s on my manhood. And different colors as well. Should look like a nightclub when that Alien Babe flicks her fingers. Wanna hear ABBA playing the moment that intergalactic chick starts moving. Dancing Queen, Dancing Queen. An aphrodisiac if ever I experienced one.
Try getting that girl to take the morning after pill! IT DOESN’T WORK! SHE PREGNANT AND NOW YOU PAYING INTERGALACTIC SCHOOL FEES. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR STEALTHING! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR STEALTHING, MAN!
5. HALF LIFE 3
On Earth Four, Half Life doesn’t exist. Instead of Half Life 1, DOOM 3 came out and the Valve Boys stuck to Point and Click Adventure Games. On Earth Four, First Person Shooters are still fun. On Earth Fifty, however, Half Life 3 came out in 2010, to great success, but because of in-app purchases Valve ruined their brand and then tried to save it with an MMORPG with even more in-app purchases. As you can imagine it worked out pretty well for them and even on Earth Fifty Two they rich AF.
4. Deadwood Season 4
Screw you Earth Nine! You motherless son of a !@#$*
And on a positive note:
3. Bill Murray was Batman and Sean Young was Catwoman!
Ah yes. Those Earth Eighty-Two’s had one hell of a summer ’89. Straight off Ghostbusters 4, Bill Murray brought his girlfriend – Sean Young – with him to the Batman ’89 casting sessions and used his power couple status to get Sean Young written into – and in the process the scriptwriter fired – the new Batman film. And what could only be construed as the GREATEST COMIC BOOK FILM EVER MADE – even better than the Nicolas Cage Superman film on Earth Nine – burst its load onto every Earth Eighty Geek’s face and never let them forget about it!
Come on. It’s Bill Murray. It would have been brilliant. Also, Sean Young. Loved her in Ace Ventura.
If only, right? If only.
2. SEGA beat Sony’s Playstation for Market Dominance
On Earth Two the Sony Playstation 2 got shipped with a dangerous design flaw – it blew up. This left Sony with only one option – withdraw their auspicious killer-app or suffer the CONSEQUENCES! They chose the former – This left developers weary and instead of running to Nintendo like a battered woman and fear repeating the crazy 80’s or leaving their boots under Microsoft’s bed, they headed back straight into the loving arms of SEGA – The company that killed like two systems with so much bad marketing that they screwed themselves out of the competition. It’s kinda like having Oscar Pistorius running the Olympics without his legs. Or having Caster Semenya running with the guys. Bad form, old chap. JUST. BAD. FORM. But this is Earth Two and on Earth Two the Sega CD kept the Genesis around until 2001. The Saturn had more exclusives than the Playstation. Final Fantasy 10 came out on the Sega Dreamcast and Castlevania is still 2D.
Sony eventually got out of the door but not without its problems and finally after many setbacks they gave up on the console market. But they had the last laugh seeing as the Sony Playstation Store cornered the digital market right before they gave their final hardware bow. And now, if you want to get your digital on, there’s only one way to do it.
AND NUMBER ONE:
1. Prescription Glasses Cleaning Kiosk on Every Street Corner.
On Earth Three they have these. You have dirty glasses? Stop at a Kiosk and get them cleaned instantly. Even better than the cure for Aids. What? Condoms are free and you don’t have to get it on with everyone you meet at the club. Seriously. You need some Boullah in your life – That’s Earth 70’s Christ. He’s a she. In more ways than one. If you know what I mean?
– KING KOBI