Top Ten things our parallel universes have that we don’t. Number One will blow your mind!

You know, looking back on our recent history and the television , say, our grandparents and even our parents grew up on, it’s safe to say that at one point in time certain futurists at least thought that our nearby future would look a little bit different than it does now.

You can probably pull up a survey for the amount of old people that thought we’d be living in a Star Trek Future come the year 1999. Instead we got the Matrix and flip phones and stoic white people, doing stoic white things, shooting their desert eagles stoically and saying “whoa” every so often.  Not the big, bright, banal future everybody was hoping for. But, like Batman, it was the future we deserved not the one we – whatever.

At least they didn’t want a Zombie Apocalypse to break out and tear us a new one like this generation does. Then again. You can’t really blame them, can you? Who doesn’t want to return to nature? Even if that meant watching your local school finally turning on each other. Your kid running home to tell you his science teacher tried to eat his friend. Hopefully they were of age.  You never know with these small towns, really.

Given a cer(n)tain Max Laughlin’s accretions that a particular government institution has SCREWED WITH THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM,  I thought it wise to list 10 things that a neighboring universe might have that we do not. ( Just check the video if you feel lost on any of this. No. The punch line is that you might know even less after watching that video. High grade stuff. But if you get the Multiverse. You’ll get this as well.)

 

  1. Flying Cars

    This is obvious. One of my earliest memories is watching The Jetsons zooming about their sky-high neighborhood.  What’s the problem here? I don’t need another IPhone, brah, gimme some of that  Bruce Willis nonsense.  I don’t see why Earth Thirty Two gets to have flying cars and we don’t? What is this nonsense?  Couldn’t they have drawn the line at peanut butter and jelly hamburgers on toast? Couldn’t they have drawn the line at Nina Hartley being a serious actress? Apparently not.  Not even at their flying cars. Show-offs.

    9. Time Machines!

 

 

Yeah, yeah. I hear you. Time travel is possible in this universe. WITCHCRAFT! Am I right? Or is that just me? Okay, so, I partook in something that  put my eternal soul in jeopardy…so,  I saw thought I’d get brownie points for dating a witch with my hippie friends…plus…SHE WAS A WITCH! THAT’S HAF! It’s not exactly Back to the Future but I don’t see Marty telling his friends about the time he was forced to watch his blonde bombshell’s copy of The Craft (on: THIS IS DVD) ONE HUNDRED FREAKIN’ TIMES! Excuse me…but  I don’t see that light bulb getting me a date with Cleopatra or her less attractive stand-in either.  So.

Earth Twenty has Time Travel. How does it work? That’s irrelative really. But they’ve had Time Travel since the 60’s. Went back to Antediluvian Times, got that spaceship that built the pyramids and took it for a joyride. Found out the earth was flat but then Apollo decided to turn that Pizza into a bun so they went back and told Apollo he was crazy so Apollo put that butterball down. So, Earth Twenty B has a flat Earth now and Twenty A doesn’t. It’s a slippery slope. One moment your momma is your daddy and the next she’s your sister. Is that a good price to pay for a flat Earth? Living with the knowledge that at one point in time you were suckling on your father’s tête? Maybe both? There’s no milk in there, brah. So what the hell were you doing sucking on your father’s boob? Rather stick with The Craft. At least you get to hear her yell about staying true to the source material after every watch. Oh. How I adored finally having a chance at my very own Samantha Stevens, and oh, how I adored having my dreams shattered when I found out that she really didn’t care for what I liked on my sandwiches. Alas.  She tried to curse me but I stole one of her cats and threatened to teach it how to flush the toilet. Years of psychedelic drug abuse had left her paranoid and idea of one of her loved ones trolling her with hygienic practices was just too much for her to bear.  So she let me be. Even bought me some new briefs after she cut my set up for voodoo or something or the other.  And it was some feat as well. It’s quite rare getting those Queen Victoria panties on sale these days. Form fitting and unapologetic at the same time. So nice of her. Always thought witches were like, you know? Mean?

Guess not.

Anyway.

Earth Twenty gets to have Time Travel. We get to inhale second hand smoke and watch re-runs of stupid sitcoms from the mid 2000’s.
Deal with it.

 

8. Space Exploration

To boldly go – as they used to say. Now it’s to go – but mostly under protest. Can you even imagine!? Getting into a ship, flying out to the neutral zone, firing a photon torpedo as a joke, telling the Klingons to suck it and then flying in with Def Leppard blasting in the background. Seriously though. It’s probably not a good idea. Not with our colonial history. Prime Directive? That’s not gonna happen. We’re gonna swoop in, find space oil and proceed to irrigate the new world!  YAY! ROCK ‘N ROLL! Def Leppard’ll be playing in the background and God will be watching overhead – so who cares, amirite? All is right in the world. Again, I ask. Who cares?

Obviously not me. Earth Sixteen got that Star Trek Future. We got Star Wars Episode 7. It’s a good tradeoff, right? RIGHT!?

Also…Green Babes!

 

7. Green Babes!

Seriously though. Green Babes. If you have space exploration you have green babes! It’s a given.

As far as I’m concerned space exploration is the only way to achieve the Green Babe Tier. I don’t care what Alex Jones has said about pig/fish/human hybrids, okay.

One can only disappoint one’s parents so much. There is a limit to the amount of disappointment to be had and I’ve been teetering on the edge of it for some time now.

6. Green Babies!

This is something that you’ll need to discuss with your temporary alien lay. Or T.A.L. as it is referred to in Planned Parenthood Clinics all over Earth Ninety.  As we all know when practicing safe sex with a green babe you’ll need to stock up on hella condoms. And I’m not talking one here. It’s apparently coarse down there – skin off – so I’m going to disregard my GP’s recommendation and I’m gonna layer that shit up. I don’t care. Call the fashion police on my ass. I’m going mid to late 90’s on my manhood. And different colors as well. Should look like a nightclub when that Alien Babe flicks her fingers. Wanna hear ABBA playing the moment that intergalactic chick starts moving. Dancing Queen, Dancing Queen.  An aphrodisiac if ever I experienced one.

Try getting that girl to take the morning after pill! IT DOESN’T WORK! SHE PREGNANT AND NOW YOU PAYING INTERGALACTIC SCHOOL  FEES. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR STEALTHING! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR STEALTHING, MAN!

5. HALF LIFE 3

On Earth Four, Half Life doesn’t exist. Instead of Half Life 1, DOOM 3 came out and the Valve Boys stuck to Point and Click Adventure Games. On Earth Four, First Person Shooters are still fun.  On Earth Fifty, however,  Half Life 3 came out in 2010, to great success,  but because of in-app purchases Valve ruined their brand and then tried to save it with an MMORPG with even more in-app purchases.  As you can imagine it worked out pretty well for them and even on Earth Fifty Two they rich AF.

4. Deadwood Season 4

Screw you Earth Nine! You motherless son of a !@#$*

And on a positive note:

3. Bill Murray was Batman and Sean Young was Catwoman!

Ah yes. Those Earth Eighty-Two’s had one hell of a summer ’89. Straight off Ghostbusters 4, Bill Murray brought his girlfriend – Sean Young – with him to the Batman ’89 casting sessions and used his power couple status to get Sean Young written into – and in the process the scriptwriter fired – the new Batman film. And what could only be construed as the GREATEST COMIC BOOK FILM EVER MADE – even better than the Nicolas Cage Superman film on Earth Nine – burst its load onto every Earth Eighty Geek’s face and never let them forget about it!

Come on. It’s Bill Murray. It would have been brilliant.  Also, Sean Young. Loved her in Ace Ventura.

If only, right? If only.

2. SEGA beat Sony’s Playstation for Market Dominance

On Earth Two the Sony Playstation 2 got shipped with a dangerous design flaw – it blew up. This left Sony with only one option – withdraw their auspicious killer-app or suffer the CONSEQUENCES! They chose the former – This left developers weary and instead of running to Nintendo like a battered woman and fear repeating the crazy 80’s or leaving their boots under Microsoft’s bed, they headed back straight into the loving arms of SEGA – The company that killed like two systems with so much bad marketing that they screwed themselves out of the competition. It’s kinda like having Oscar Pistorius running the Olympics without his legs. Or having Caster Semenya running with the guys. Bad form, old chap.  JUST. BAD. FORM.  But this is Earth Two and on Earth Two the Sega CD kept the Genesis around until 2001. The Saturn had more exclusives than the Playstation. Final Fantasy 10 came out on the Sega Dreamcast and Castlevania is still 2D.

Sony eventually got out of the door but not without its problems and finally after many setbacks they gave up on the console market. But they had the last laugh seeing as the Sony Playstation Store cornered the digital market right before they gave their final hardware bow. And now, if you want to get your digital on, there’s only one way to do it.

AND NUMBER ONE:

1. Prescription Glasses Cleaning Kiosk on Every Street Corner.

On Earth Three they have these. You have dirty glasses? Stop at a Kiosk and get them cleaned instantly. Even better than the cure for Aids. What? Condoms are free and you don’t have to get it on with everyone you meet at the club. Seriously. You need some Boullah in your life – That’s Earth 70’s Christ. He’s a she. In more ways than one. If you know what I mean?

 

 

:’)

– KING KOBI

I have a new book campaign up on Thundafund. It’s funny like this piece but maybe even funnier. It’s wholly subjective at the end of the day. Please help me fund it! Intl purchases will be done through Amazon or Lulu. I tend to lean towards the latter.

FRANKIE1

https://www.thundafund.com/project/herkules

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Why not?: An Update on Adolf on Movies!

The new one! TEIL 2!

IS CALLED:

A NIGHTMARE ON ADOLF’S STREET.

And here’s a list of the films he’s reviewed thus far:

Fright Night
Elm Street 2
Elm Street 3
Friday 13th Part 6
Poltergeist
Re-Animator
WOLF
Child’s Play
Outrages Fortune
Ruthless People
Fatal Beauty
Jumping Jack Flash
Halloween

SPECIAL:
THE ROOM

And here’s a review:

Fright Night:

Summary:
An ugly upper class American man wears make-up to seduce an underage lesbian girl. Basically 18th century France. A guide to seduce any female with the moody sounds of heavy electronic music on cassette tape. Adolf is quite inclined to this electronic music of the decade lovingly known as the 80’s! My kind of music! Thunderous and moving! (I was asked not to mention Depeche Mode. I won’t lie. Ich liebe Depeche Mode!)

Review:
Nosferatu. America is obsessed with it. Murnau would be elated. I don’t think we ever crossed paths but I saw the film and thought….”Hmm. what scheiße is this!” But it grew on me like a fungus of the toenail after a long cold Russian Winter. I saw it for a fifth time and I realized it was about Joden. So I pardoned the man. It’s only fair.

Americans have a penchant to infantilize art. And this film is no exception. Although. Adolf must say he many a nightmare after that man revealed his chest to that little girl. Nein!

Conclusion:
We shot our mongoloids and missbildung before they could embarrass us. We didn’t wait for it to grow up and move into a stately abode next to some curious junge obsessed with the makaber! But Amerika right? They’ll elect a unmensch if it promised to eat their young at a good price.

I award it 3 out of 5 Holy Grails. Now excuse Adolf while he slips into his Boer freund’s bedroom for a second listen at Musik für die Massen, only Adolf’s second favorite new record after Cybernazi’s Galactic Lebensraum. Adolf has always shown support to sympathizers to the cause! Freies Europa! Deutschland! Deutschland! Über Alles!

– That’s it Adolf. I’m changing the WiFi password!
– Nein! Kobus! Please! Hast du kein herz?!
– Meine German ist swak. Jij wetten dat mos?
– Was ist das?
– Exactly.

 

LOVE.

 

KING KOBI ❤

Should You Ditch Marvel For DC Comics?

Short Answer?

Uh, Yeah, you should. If you value your time and the amount of money you spent. No, money doesn’t factor into reading modern comics, my research shows me that the majority of people that buy anything Marvel publishes these days are either Spidey fans who only buy it for completionist reasons and YouTubers that like to talk shit about it. But they trash it right after cause it’s worthless and any perceived future value is solely based on past experience. But the truth is in twenty years these issues won’t even be found in $1 bins. They’ll be used to warm up someone’s house, or as fuel for next weekend’s braai. That or, well, at least the cats and dogs will have use for them? Otherwise you’re getting it illegally because you’re too ashamed to ask for that shit in a comic book shop.

The truth is, the 90’s weren’t the dark age, heck, nobody would admit this but they prefer the Chromium Age to most of the things published after Avengers Disassembled. Come on. Don’t lie. You know you do. You even wrote in to a letters page, didn’t you? You loved that shit. And still do. Come on, you’d take Maximum Carnage over any crossover published today. Yeeaah. You can’t lie to me. You’d even take Ben Reilly over One More Day.

We’re in the dark age of comics right now. And it’s quite sad since it seems like the floppies are on their way out. The twilight of classic comic books if you will. And one of the giants going out on a whimper and not a bang.

c03b150cf85d86452ccd22daa17b9d2f--venom-spiderman-spiderman-comic

Long Answer:

I find myself looking back quite regularly. I look at what’s being published now and wonder what went wrong. You see, I found myself indulging in quite a few Captain Cummings videos at the start of this year and for the life of me I just couldn’t grasp why things were the way they were.

I mean, Trump won, right? The majority spoke and he became president. Doesn’t that mean that the majority share the same views as he does? Libertarian, a bit more conservative maybe? Doesn’t this mean that your company needs to adjust a little to accommodate this new shit if you are to continue selling your product? I mean there was a shift in consciousness. I was quite excited. I told myself, we’re going to be getting a lot more traditional action films coming out of Hollywood now. Music is going to change to reflect the new times at least. Maybe more guitar driven? More in line with what came out in the 80’s, maybe? At least we got a new Depeche Mode album? I guess that’s something to be excited about. I mean, it’s no Ultra but at least it’s something, right?
I thought: YES! Captain America and Punisher’s gonna be great. Jesus was I wrong. Well we’re still getting that Punisher show. Something to look forward to. They just 360’d and doubled down on liberal politics. I mean what the hell? How does this make any sense? They turned that shit up to eleven and by the looks of things they’re about to hit twelve. I’ve formed an hypothesis at least.

You know, I always wondered why millennials were so underrepresented in the media. I’d watch these shows and read these comics and wonder about the age of these writers. I mean all of them are between forty and seventy years of age, right? It’s strange to think that a sixty year old is trying to relate with a teenager through their writing. But that’s how it’s always been for the most part. I’d watch these generational comedies and ask myself why the references they’re making are so outdated? They never reference things from my youth. Where’s the Pokémon references? The Playstation or Nintendo or Sega references? You could reference the Turtles at least? I mean, Jesus. We had actors and actresses too you could call upon in jest. The closest we’ve come to that was in Deadpool with the Limp Bizkit reference and the My Little Pony thing.

4661010-0d+aoa2015001_dc61-0

What Is It They Say About Wishes?

 

Oh yeah. That’s right. Apparently millennials are morons. At least those that’s gotten the opportunity to write the books of their youth. Oh who am I kidding? They didn’t grow up watching Batman TAS or Rocket Power. They were watching Andrew Dice Clay going Hickory Dikory Dock and deeming it hugely inappropriate.

This ain’t right. We’re in the twilight of the medium, pretty soon an author won’t even be able to hold their work in their hands, they’d be unable to physically materialize thoughts and ideas onto our plane of existence, we’ll lose the spiritual and esoteric aspects of literature and they’re busy wanking themselves off by (poorly) copying 80’s Chris Claremont with this identity politics nonsense. I mean seriously, there’s some us that dreamt about writing our favorite heroes growing up. You think we’d fuck around like this? No. I mean go out with a bang at least. Jesus.

If Only I’d Known.

I’ll gladly stick with the fucking Happy Days references. I love Elizabeth Montgomery, okay! I think she’s a babe. Who needs the Pink Ranger or Scary Spice? Huh? Not me. Obviously. (“SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILK” – Kobi from the future)

As An Aside:

Storm led the X-Men on many occasions. They could have gone with the white chick with the big hair or the dude with the claws but they chose her. Also she wasn’t a stereotype. She wasn’t there as the black chick. She was there cause she was powerful AF. She was a necessity.  Unlike these “sum of their parts” characters you have running around now. Pandering. Come now. You used to be smarter than this.

This Isn’t The First Time Marvel’s Tried To Cannibalize Itself.

I mean we can take it as far back as the sliding time-scale. And then of course when they brought Jean Grey back from the dead they not only completely rendered their single most important story arc in the history of the company useless, but completely devalued and relocated any of the younger “X-Men” teams that sought to replace them in the future to being basically second bananas. The promise of generational X-Men teams became naught by making all of their characters immortal. So no Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure for you. Immortality poses a lot of other story problems as well, of course. This meant that my father’s Wolverine would be my Wolverine – only not. Not to mention Sue Storm – I said that I won’t mention her.

gallery-1497542533-jean-grey-dark-phoenix-destroys-star-planet

Now For That Hypothesis.

This is going to sound a bit out there, but hey, this is Marvel we’re talking about.

Hypothesis 1:

They know something we don’t. Why else would they cannibalize themselves like this? I mean they’re killing off their physical distribution with their policies. Comic book stores that’s been operating for thirty years plus are shutting their doors. Marvel doesn’t seem to care.

This means: This is being done on purpose.
Why would they do this? Why not? They’ve done scalier things in the past with newsstands. They even killed other comic book companies by controlling and stifling distribution to these newsstands.

I don’t wanna say La Cosa Nostra. So I won’t. Business is business.

Gotta keep those investors happy, right?

Look, right now, your LCS exists largely to the benefit of these companies. They are after all, thanks to the 90s, their only real way of distributing physical copies of their comic books. Their distribution network, if you will. Destroy the network and you’re left with only digital. This means, of course, that they’ve finally found a way to (somewhat) accurately gauge the amount of digital sales they make on their titles. Just a few years ago they canceled All New X-Factor because it wasn’t moving any physical copies. They blamed this on those who wait for trades. Which is a bit puzzling since they, along with DC, are basically the ones that pushed the trade culture to begin with. But fans complained, because apparently a lot of them were getting their fix digitally. And according to Peter David – Writer Of Stuff and Ground Zero For The SJW Marvel We Know And Love Today – they had no real way of seeing how many copies were moved. So it wasn’t a viable distribution method at that point in time. But now it is.

And while your LCS used to be a commodity to these big companies, in a digital world where Marvel has a digital store of their own where they can sell/borrow you any comic book they’ve ever published, your LCS becomes part of the problem. You see, while video game stores can exist on retro stock alone, I imagine your LCS will have a little trouble paying the bills with back issues alone. And while they’ll eventually die out naturally, right now, there are many bigger stores that’s more than likely going to weather the full on digital onset better than Marvel thinks.

In a full on digital onset, the physical market will either crash or thrive. They already have a generation that’s never really been inclined to collect. They could use their mother’s Kindle and read it on there. An entire library at your fingertips. It’s going to be an interesting time. High value books moving for next to nothing just to pay the bills? And then what? I’m guessing prices will likely drop to a level they last hit in the mid 70s.

Would it matter that you won’t be able to buy new Marvel comics in store? Are the films enough to sell their comics? I’m not so sure. Maybe the future is indie?

Just like the trade culture of the 2000s, we’re going to see them pushing digital until it’s the only thing their fan base cares about.

Kill the mom and pops, sign exclusive deals with retail stores for TPBs. Regulate.

So, that’s the first hypothesis/conspiracy theory.

The Second Is A Bit More Unwieldy.

They have given up on the publishing game. Well, that or they are going to start following the Netflix model and base longevity on volume sales and pre-orders.

If they’ve given up completely on the publishing of new comics, they are more than likely doing it because they don’t really need to. They make so much money on the Marvel Studios side of things, not to even mention the merchandising and licensing revenues that they don’t even need to write anything new. They could make a hundred films and still have an entire library left to work with.

So if they shut down the publication arm of things, making their library available digitally, they could focus on other more lucrative ventures such as TV and FILM.

But this is easier said than done. They are going to need something to justify this.

And bare with me, but this is how I think they’ll do it.

With the death of Stan Lee. (They’ll wait of course. I’m not saying they’re like the government or something. Or Yakuza or anything like that, of course.)

It’ll be big news. All over the world. Marvel Comics dies with him.

It’s not a thought I write down likely. It just makes sense.

Look, for many he is Marvel. And they might even be right.

So Do I Think You Should Ditch Marvel For DC Comics?

Meh, do whatever you want. I’d take up indies, or European Comics or MANGA.  It’s more satisfying.

Think about what they’ll remember from the pre-Digital, post-Chromium Age?

Most of them will be from DC. Those Nu52 Books started this NuAge after all.

And that’s what it’ll be remembered for. For Joker threatening to use Vaseline intensively on Batman and Robin and for anything else Batman did with Snyder and friends.

That and Humerto Ramos on Spider-Man, cause really, that guy knows how to draw a good villain. And fingers.

ed3ace05de5fc9741a909a318d18fc1f--hobgoblin-marvel-marvel-villains

And fingers.

 

Kobi ❤ 2017

http://zak-site.com/Great-American-Novel/

This Isn’t Some Communist Daycare Center. 

Millennial looking for purpose and something to blame for lack thereof.

Finds YouTube channel preaching about the greatest man who ever lived and his much maligned ideology.

Finds Purpose in either Social Nationalism or Communism.

Learns about “The Enemy”

Finds someone to blame.

Tops over it.

Becomes angry.

Goes to sleep angry.

Gets a tattoo to show how dedicated they are to the cause. Reads books about said Ideology. Watches more YouTube videos on subject. Becomes obsessed.

Hate enters their heart for fellow human beings.

Starts hating society.

Looks for way to change it.

Joins group of like-minded individuals.

Puts on a mask.

Becomes empowered by mask.

Goes to protest.

Adrenalin and Endorphin’s justifies hatred.

Corruption sets in.

Gets invited to violent event.

Gets confronted with decision.

Purpose answers for them.

Punches “Enemy”

Spills blood.

Adrenalin, Endorphin’s and Loud Music justifies actions.

Told they are on the right side of history.

Family becomes concerned.

Goes to bigger gathering.

Things get violent.

Fantasy becomes reality.

More Blood.

Someone dies.

CAPTAIN AMERICA SMASHES HITLER/COMMIES

Fantasy becomes reality.

All over the news.

Told by authority figure that this is war.

Gets doxed.

Life ruined.

Takes another life.

Hitler/Stalin still dead.


KOBI 2017

We are all slaves. Running from an Ideology is sometimes harder than a whip and a couple of vicious dogs. Think. What’s really important?  Remember the 90s. That little kid who sat in front of that TV watching Saturday Morning Cartoons. Did they hate? No. You can’t progress like that. Be happy. Say fuck it.

 

Yeah I hate society. But only cause it basic. I still say fuck it though, I’m smart. I know. I’m the future. And the future is golden.

I don’t give a fuck. That’s me. 27. And fucking free.

As this is the prelude to the release of my brand-spanking-shiny-new-book. That and of course contemplating making this the last book Jakobi Kid ever writes – Yeah? What? So? It’s my life. Back off. – I thought it might be relevant publishing this little piece, if you will, that I wrote right around October last year. I wasn’t gonna. But whatever. Now I’m gonna. My new book is about White Privilege so what do I care? It’s a love song. A fucked up love song for a fucked up girl.

Enjoy. As they say. “Poetry”

Liberal Lover

She’s the mother of ice
On the outside she is
somewhat nice

she gets off on
pretending though
and at home
when she’s
all alone
and no one’s
looking
she’s kind of a
bitch,
but I guess you
have to be a
bitch,
when you’re that
rich,

she’s got an
ACE
up her sleeve
Gepetto’s
number one girl
he won’t
let her lose
face
She’s
got
grace
a resting bitch
face

She’s got a
husband,
but he’s just a
perverted
puppet,
there’s no way he’s
pulling the strings
don’t be stupid to
believe these
things

She’s
killed
She’s
had people
killed
Countries
Killed
Unstable
Destabilized
She’s
a
killer
Queen,
God
must be
drowning
in blood
it’ll rain
for
centuries

she’s so
mean
sex kitten
Killary
she’s
a killing
machine
more Pat Bateman
than
Pat Batman

She’s brought
down towers
cut down
flowers
sat with the
highest
powers
Been the
highest
power

ninety
ninety
six
six
six

Southern
Belle
Witches
Spell
Incantation
Black
Celebration

If she was a few years
younger
And our
paths
somehow did
cross

I’d take her
in that
barnyard
tumble
give her all
the grass root
sex she’d
ever want
she’s the
boss
I’d crumble
for
her
throw on a pale
white sheet
yes
sir!
hear
her cackle
as she
came

Cause strong
women
really
turn me
on
women like that
bad bitches
who just
doesn’t
give
a
fuck

more
balls than
liberal
man
Try your
luck
end up in a black
van

False flags
blame games
gay parades
ugly slags
all for fame
stupid fags
everyone in the first
three rows yeah
you already know
her name

Pity about
the smell though
striking as it is
it’s kind of a
hard
sell.

Luckily for
me
I’m sure
her witch
has a spell
for that
as
well.

JGL Nieuwoudt 2016

Holy Muscle of Love.

I GOT A MUSCLE OF LOVE!

 

me libérer ce soir mon seigneur:

 

me libérer ce soir mon seigneur:

 

I eat.

And

you feed me.

I have a third mouth that’s insatiable

and

yearning.

Androgynous judge creep extraordinarily so.

You judge me with your feminism but you were born a man.

Keep my hand in the pie and my face in the makeup cabinet.

tonight we will see the court.

She smells so nice.

So radiance can be used as a noun.

If I had a hat I would take it off right now,

and

bow

before

you,

my nose touching the ground.

But since I don’t,

permit me

your hand,

so I may pucker up and pay my

respects.

She reminds me of a rock song that used to play on the

radio

when I was a

kid.

A song that would send my parents

screaming.

It was 1973.

But I’m only 23.

And

I must be

dreaming.

Yes,

it’s true,

I can see where no one else

can.

Want to dance?

I nod.

I need no music tonight,

we shall dance on that love at first sight.

Let’s

break for a moment and go for a drink

I’m parched,

Mademoiselle,

may I get you anything?

I bring you a sunflower

and

you bite off its head,

swallowing the sunshine

and

shining once again.

You wanna go upstairs?

She asks as she flashes her eyes.

I don’t know,

I need something to chew on if I’m

to spend the night.

chew on me!

she exclaims

as she pulls me close,

tonight we feast on love

and tomorrow

we drink.

I lower my head

and

steal a kiss,

you may be mystical but I need my sweets.

You dare make me wait?

Mademoiselle,

the longing will make it better,

trust me on this,

I disappear into the crowd

in search of some meat,

A man needs such things if he wishes to bring a lady to her

knees.

Waiter, get me something to

eat,

The lady is waiting and there’s really no time to

speak.

To look at you sir,

I suspect you want to sink your teeth into something

red,

in a matter of speaking,

yes.

I will go to the kitchen and kill you

a pig,

there’s no better

Aphrodisiac

than hearing it

scream.

Well I guess you are right,

I need every ounce of me if I am to

delight.

 

The waiter rushes off and you hear the swine

scream,

The curly veins on its head standing erect as the knife slides

in.

I find her eyes once again,

her hands finding adventure without

me…

Jesus Christ

hurry up,

Aphrodite is here

but

I am without.

The waiter rushes in with raw uncooked

me.

Sire

Forgive

me

I set the oven to high

but time doesn’t seem to be

on our side.

 

There’s no time for that,

give it here,

and

I take the raw meat

and

I bite off an ear.

But sire,

are you mad?

you might get sick,

I need to treat it first with

disinfectant.

I can be sick tomorrow

my green faced friend,

the lady needs a stallion

and I’m just the man.

I throw the meat back on the plate and

rush back up to her.

 

Mademoiselle,

I am ready for the main course

I’ve had my appetizer.

I was lying

and

I had realized she was

right

and

a man

can eat love

and

come out the other side.

Her lighthouses tried to bring me

home

but

tonight

I was going to

war.

We got to the top

and

I found her

door,

I tried to take her right there,

but she unlocked the

door.

La belle femme,

tu

es

tres

tres

belle

and

I thank God those Huguenot sons of bitches found haven

here.

 

What will it be tonight, Mein Herr?

Let’s close the door and find

out…

 

JGLN 2013

Full Contact

I can’t deny the fact that I’ve wanted to neglect this blog like an ex-girlfriend for some time now.

Why you might ask?

Sometimes I just don’t have anything to say…Okay, that’s a lie, I always have things to say but I don’t always want to communicate these thoughts. My mind is a strange and sometimes frightening yet arousing place. It’s complicated. Amusing. In a disingenuous sort of way.

I don’t expect anybody to understand but sometimes I go through things – terrible things – brought on I guess by my own doing if you were to believe the judge, jury and executioner – which also happens to be me – So. I guess it’s chemical as well. But not a good chemical either – Well. That’s debatable. Sometimes it is. – And when I go through said terrible things, I tend to keep to myself. I’m a very private person, you know? Pleasant? Maybe. People seem to like me. Even if  don’t share in their proclivity for my good nature.

This is quite personal. And I mean, why not? Isn’t this supposed to be a diary?

Fuck. I gave up on politics. It was depressing me. Joe Rogan put it the best I think, he said that he thinks that we’re bombarded with so much negativity everyday that we don’t know how to handle it. That’s why we’re always angry.

That’s me, I guess. Angry, Sad, Happy, Mad. Horny. Happy. Frustrated. Mad. Happy.

But I guess that’s everyone else as well, right? I don’t do well with negativity. I try to avoid it as best I can. But it’s hard sometimes. Especially when you can’t escape it.

So you escape. But whether that escape is healthy or not? That’s a question I need to answer still.

Either way,

I’d like nothing more than to take a break. But I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. I spend enough time with myself as it is. The conversations, while lighthearted sometimes tread into dangerous territory.  Uncharted? Not really. I have my moments.

Regicide burns quite hot in my mind. But if you remove the king who will rule over the kingdom? If you delete the crown, will God abandon you or will he just frown?

Questions.

Funny things, aren’t they?

J.

 

Title

 

 

All I wanna do is dance and do drugs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’M NOT HAPPY INSIDE THE MATRIX ANYMORE